


Semi-Neurotic Teenage Girl of Action

by Masterweaver



Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Adventure, Alternate Universe, Comedy, Gen, merger
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-17
Updated: 2018-08-22
Packaged: 2019-06-28 13:58:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15708633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Masterweaver/pseuds/Masterweaver
Summary: Candace Flynn and Perry the Platypus had their minds swapped by a teleportation device and suffered through an unusual day. But now Perry is back, and Candace is ready to get back into her body. All they have to do is go through Phineas and Ferb's teleportation device in reverse, and it should bring things back to normal.One last minute change of position, though, throws the whole thing off balance. And the situation just got a whole lot weirder for the both of them.





	1. I Hear Platypus is Slimming

“So this is how you went through the first time, right?” Phineas confirmed. “You were holding Perry?”

“Yes yes yes yes yes! Hurry!  _Oh, he’s a lot heavier now!”_

Phineas hummed thoughtfully. “Actually, shouldn’t he be holding you? Since he’s in your body, and you’re in his--”

Candace (currently a platypus) groaned and dropped Perry (currently a human). “Fine! Whatever!” She crawled into his arms, which were technically her arms, and glared over her bill, which was technically his bill. “Just switch us back already! Today has been bad enough!”

“Okay, one Candace-Perry switcheroo, coming right up!” Phineas pressed the button on his remote, and with a flash Candace and Perry disappeared from one teleporter.

Phineas turned to the other teleporter with a grin... a grin that faltered when he saw what stepped out. “Oh. Well, that’s... awkward.”

“What?!” A green hand shot up. “Oh no, am I still in Perry’s body?!”

“Not... exactly.” Phineas rubbed the back of his head. “It’s more like, um...”

“You’ve become a conglomerate of human and platypus,” Ferb explained, helpfully pulling out a full-length mirror.

The reflection stared out in unabated shock. For the most part, it still looked like Candace Flynn--an orange-haired teenage girl in red shirt and socks with white skirt and shoes. Of course, the webbed feet were somewhat new, as was the beaver tail, and the bill on her face. Fortunately, all that was the same color as her hair, for some unfathomable reason--not at all like the slick teal fur that covered her skin entirely.

For a moment, the reflection and the reflectee stared at each other’s heterochromatic eyes.

“...This is really not good.”

“Mmm, it’s a problem,” Phineas agreed. “But with a little tweaking of the teleport system, I’m sure we can split you back apart. It’ll be a snap!”

Just then, a beam came out of nowhere, hitting the paired teleporters and shrinking them to the size of earrings.

The three siblings stared down at them.

“Huh,” Phineas said eventually. “That complicates matters.”

“No, you  _think?”_

A voice came wafting through the door. “Where are those darned earrings? Maybe they’re in the garage--”

The teenager’s eyes went wide and she rolled behind the dryer. The boys stared at her oddly.

“Candace?”

“Mom can’t see me like this!” she whispered sternly.

“O...kaaaaaaay...?” Phineas shared a look with Ferb, who shrugged helplessly.

“Oh hello, boys!” Linda said as she stepped in. “I know I asked you before, but--Oh, look at that!” She bent down, picking up the shrunken teleporter. “I don’t know how my earrings ended up in here.”

“Actually, we made those.”

“Awwww, you made replacement earrings for me?” The red-headed woman smiled at them as she hung the two tiny rings. “That’s so sweet of you!”

Phineas opened his mouth to reply, but Linda had already stepped into the driveway. She opened the car door, entirely missing the teenage platypus girl diving into the house as she buckled up, and waved at her boys. “Your father and I will be back tonight! Be good boys! And treat your sister nicely,” she added, “I think she’s had a rather embarrassing day.”

“MOM!” came an annoyed shout from inside the house.

“Case in point!” Linda turned the keys and backed out of the driveway. “Goodbye, boys!”

“Goodbye, Mom!” Phineas replied, waving his hand as the car rushed down the road. “You and Dad have a good date tonight!”

“...Is she gone?”

“Yeah Candace, she’s gone.”

“...Good.” The platypus girl sighed. “Oh, this is just not my day...”

Ferb stepped into the kitchen, putting a comforting hand on her shoulder.

“Ferb’s right, Candace.” Phineas stepped in with a gentle smile. “We may have lost the teleporters, but that’s only a setback. We’ll get this all straightened out as soon as we can.”

After a moment, the platypus girl smiled. “I know you will.” She pulled the two in for a hug. “My boys can do anything.”

“...Your... boys?”

“Ahaha, did I say my boys? I meant brothers! My brothers, ha, they can do anything.”

“I mean, I guess,” Phineas agreed. “Hey, uh, Candace?”

“Yeah, Phineas?”

“...If you’re merged with Perry, does that mean you’re also Perry?”

The platypus girl rolled her eyes. “Yes, Phineas, I’m also Perry.”

“So....” Phineas leaned back. “What does Perry think of us?”

“Perry loves you both. More than you’ll ever know.”

“Awww...” Phineas and Ferb hugged her tightly. “We love you too Perry!”

The three of them hugged each other tightly for a little while longer.

“...Actually, should we call you Perry or should we call you Candace?” Phineas wondered. “Or maybe something else. Perdace... Canry... Canary?”

The platypus girl sighed. “Look, I don’t want a combined name. That would be like admitting this was permanent, which I don’t want to do. Just... call me Candace, unless you’re talking to Perry, okay?”

“Oh, okay.” Phineas nodded. “That makes sense.”

“Hey, could you let me go?” Candace asked. “I’d like to go to my room and think.”

“Sure thing!” Phineas and Ferb released her. “The bedroom is a great place to have deep philosophical thoughts about identity!”

“If you would prefer to have thoughts which contemplate the nature of modern society, I would suggest the conservatory,” Ferb added helpfully.

“And the bathroom’s always great for thinking about the expansive breadth of the entirety of the cosmos!” Phineas pointed out.

Candace smiled weakly. “Yeeeeeah, I’ll stick to bedroom thoughts.”

She trudged up the stairs, tail drooping to her knees, and stepped into her room with a sigh. Her eyes--one blue, one brown--fell on her reflection.

“...This is just great,” she grumbled. “How am I going to explain this to Stacy? Or Major Monogram? What’s Doofenshmirtz going to think? What’s  _Jeremy_  going to think?”

Her bill met the desk as she groaned. “Both my lives just got a lot more complicated.”

“...Hey, uh, Candace--?”

The platypus girl spun around wild-eyed. “WHAT I WAS JUST THINKING I WASN’T SAYING ANYTHING! Did you hear anything?!”

Phineas blinked. “No? No I didn’t.”

"Oh. Okay.”

“It’s just... I was wondering, if you’re a girl and Perry is a boy--”

Candace groaned. “I’m still a girl, Phineas, trust me on this.”

“Oh.”

“...except for the venomous ankle barbs,” she admitted. “I still have those, and only male platypi have those.”

“Oh, that’s neat!”


	2. A Handy Little Talk

Phineas yawned as he awoke, stretching his arms and glancing around the room blearily. “Hey? Where’s Perry? He usually wakes us up.”

Ferb leveled a flat look at him.

“Right! Still merged with Candace.” Phineas rubbed his chin. “You know, it’s a good thing we’re definitely going to reverse that today. The longer that they remain in the same body the more cellular mitosis will happen, making it that much more difficult to separate the fundamental proteins of teenage girl and platypus.”

“Hey boys!” Linda leaned through the door. “I just wanted to remind you we’re picking up your grandparents from the airport today, so you should be ready to leave in twenty minutes. I’ll prepare you a quick breakfast, alright?”

“Okay, Mom!” Phineas turned to Ferb. “Yeah, that  _was_  happening today, wasn’t it? That’s a conflict of interests. I’ve never really had that before. Ferb, how do you handle that sort of thing?”

Ferb casually juggled a few different fruits before slicing through them with karate chops and catching them all on a plate.

“You’re right. We just need to break down the problem and do the individual steps when we’ve got spare time!” Phineas smiled. “Candace does it every day. I’m sure it can’t be that hard.”

* * *

Linda jostled the door to her daughter’s room and frowned. “Candace, sweetheart? Is there something in front of your door?”

_“Yeeaaasssuuuaaaa....”_

“...What was that?”

“Pushed my--bleaghrkbla...pushed my bed there,” Candace moaned. “Self-imposed quarantine.”

“You’re sick?”

“And I need to clean the carpet,” Candace reported sadly.

“Well...” Linda sighed, pushing against the door. “Come on, let me see the damage--”

“NONONO!” The door slammed shut quickly. “I, uh, reeeally don’t want you to catch this. Uuuugh, and my skin is all, sliiick, uuuuuuuuunh.”

“And yet you’re feeling well enough to push a bed against your door?”

“Ugh, Moooooom...” Candace groaned. “I’m, ooooh, I’m....  _BLARFGURGLBLAAAAaaaaaaa_....”

“Oh.... that  _does_  sound bad,” Linda said sympathetically.

“I got it in the trash can this time...”

“I guess that’s good. Look, I have to take everyone to the airport to pick up Grandpa Reg and Grandma Winifred for their visit. We’ll be back this afternoon, and if you aren’t feeling better by then I’ll schedule a hospital visit, alright?”

“Alright, Mom... I’ll clean up the carpet while you’re gone.”

“And I’ll make you something to eat before I go, alright?” 

“Actually, Ferb’s already made a fruit platter,” Phineas interjected as the two of them walked up.

“Well, that was fast.” Linda ruffled Ferb’s hair fondly. “Just leave it outside the door for your sister, okay? I’ll go make you two some french toast.”

Phineas watched her head down the stairs for a moment, before turning to Candace’s door. “Wow. Sick, huh? That sounds bad. Do you think this has anything to do with you being merged with Perry?”

“Yes, in the sense that I’m not actually sick.”

“Wait.” Phineas frowned. “You’re only pretending to be sick?”

“Yes! I don’t want Mom to see me like this, remember?”

“Yeeeeeah, I’m still not clear on that,” Phineas admitted. “I mean, she’s Mom. Do you think she’d freak out or something?”

“Um,  _yes!”_  Candace replied through the door. “Yes, she  _would_  freak out if she knew her daughter was half platypus!”

“I dunno. She seemed okay with Marty the rabbit boy.”

“Marty the rabbit boy is a stage musician she saw one time. I’m her actual flesh and blood daughter, and I’m not even human anymore!”

“You do have to admit that jumping the species barrier isn’t really something that comes up all that often,” Ferb pointed out.

“Well, alright.” Phineas shrugged. “But you know you can’t hide in that room forever.”

“I know, I know. I’ll... figure something out. You guys go downstairs and get ready to go to the airport.”

“Will do. We’ll think about how to separate you two on the way.” Phineas put a hand on his brother’s shoulder. “Come on Ferb!”

* * *

Candace slumped against the other side of the door, her eyes rolling skyward.

“You know, this is the perfect way to bust my brothers. And also the perfect way to get my cover blown. I know, I know! That’s why I’m keeping it secret. Good. Now I need to go down to the lair to check on--I can’t go down to the lair, all the tubes are too small! There are other entrances. What about Major Monogram, though? That could be a problem, I suppose. You know what else is a problem? This whole conversation. Yes, it is a little confusing... hang on, I’ve got an idea.”

She walked over to the vanity, taking a bow and tying it around her right hand. Then she put a tiny fedora on her left hand.

“There,” said the fedora-wearing hand. “Now we know who’s talking.”

“Really,” said the ribbon-wearing hand, tilting sardonically. “That’s your solution. We flap our hands when we want to talk to each other.”

“They didn’t exactly cover this in basic training,” the other hand replied.

The ribbon hand snapped around quickly. “Ugh, fine, whatever. I guess this works.”

“Right. So...” The fedora hand bent down. “Look, I don’t want to take away from your life, Candace. But I do have a job to do. An important one.”

“Important, really?” The ribbon hand scrunched up. “From what I can tell, this Doofenshmirtz guy practically foils himself.”

“Not always. Sometimes I need to take a few extra steps to stop him. There’s also the fact my hat auto-scans his inventions--”

The ribbon hand shot forward. “Wait, hold on. If you’re scanning this Doofenshmirtz’s stuff, are you also scanning the things Phineas and Ferb make every day?”

“...yeeeeeeeees,” admitted the fedora hand warily.

“And you have some sort of replicator tech in your lair, which could be used to remake any of them at any time, right?”

“How do you know that?”

“Perry, we’re sharing a brain,” the ribbon hand pointed out. “I know everything you do.”

The fedora hand opened, paused, and twisted thoughtfully. “Right. I’m used to keeping secrets, I guess.”

“Soooooooo,” the ribbon hand continued, “you could, at any time, recreate something Phineas and Ferb have made, and put it in the backyard, even--especially--when Mom is out there.”

“You want me to bust your brothers,” the other hand said dryly.

“YES! Come on, Perry, you’re constantly stopping Doofenshmirtz!”

“Who is doing  _evil_. Phineas and Ferb are always trying to have fun and usually help out some of their friends--”

“And! And putting themselves in danger, and doing things Mom wouldn’t like, and--”

“Alright!” The fedora hand rolled. “Alright, fine. I’ll put one of the boys’ crazy inventions on display.”

“YEEEEEEEES!”

“AFTER we’re split apart. And we still have to fight Doofenshmirtz, alright?”

“Fine, whatever. Ee-hee-hee-hee-hee...”

The fedora hand leaned back. “...It is seriously creepy that you are matching up hand movements to that laugh.”

“Right, whatever. Let’s go to your lair and get today’s mission, the sooner we stop Doofenshmirtz the sooner we can be back to get split apart and bust the boys!”

“How about we eat Ferb’s fruit platter first, though? I am a bit hungry.”

“...Eh, sure, fair enough. But how am I going to eat with a fedora on my hand?”


	3. Making Arrangments

****The rush down the hidden stairs was far quicker then it would have been with short platypus legs. Perry held the fedora tightly on his head as she ran over to his chair, slamming herself into it.

“Remember, this is an important member of a military organization,” he said firmly. “Stay quiet and show respect.”

“Alright, alright, you have the wheel.” Candace crossed her arms. “But I want it back as soon as this thing is over.”

Perry uncrossed his arms and pressed a button on the control kiosk, holding a serious gaze on the screen--though, admittedly, his eyes widened a bit when the image shown was of Carl the intern, not Major Monogram.

“Oh, hey, Agent...” Carl paused, staring at him for a moment.

“Carl?” asked a stern voice. “Is something wrong?”

Perry quickly shook his head, putting a finger to his bill.

“...I think the camera in Agent P’s lair might be glitching,” Carl replied slowly. “Can you hear me, Agent P?”

Perry gave him a thumbs up.

“...Okay, good. Monogram’s thrown his back out--”

“I’m on the floor, Agent P,” Monogram said, helpfully raising an arm.

“So I’ll be giving you your assignment, okay?”

Perry nodded as Carl organized a few papers.

“Do a close-up,” Monogram suggested.

“Huh? Oh yeah.” Carl leaned forward, pressing a button off screen--leaving Perry to look at the overly large image of his eye. “Ahem. Doofenshmirtz has been purchasing some suspicious items: bags of sand and extra long shoelace. We know he’s up to no good. Get out there and see what he’s up to.”

Perry saluted... and paused for a moment. Then he pointed at the screen, stuck a thumb and pinkie out near his ear, pointed at himself, at his watch, then jerked a thumb behind him.

“....riiiiiiiiight.”

Perry saluted again and rushed for his hovercar, quickly flying out of his lair and heading for his nemesis’s residence--

“Why did you signal him to call you?”

“Can’t you just read my mind to know?”

“I mean, I could, but that would be rude.”

Perry rolled his eyes. “And yet you had no trouble when it came to things that would help you bust your brothers.”

“That’s different!” Candace protested.

“I asked him to call me so we could keep this from Major Monogram, alright?” Perry glanced down at the road below. “The man is prone to the occasional snap decision, and... well, with how things are, I’d like a little help from the inside.”

Candace rolled her eyes--

And Perry barely managed to get the hovercar back under control. “Don’t do that while I’m driving!”

“Right! Sorry, sorry...”

“Anyway...” Perry refocused on his task. “Carl should be able to handle the O.W.C.A. side of things. Figuring out a way for me to keep in contact while you’re out shopping, adjusting my equipment to your size, making sure I’m not relocated after... well, after we split apart, that sort of thing.”

“So when should we expect him to call us?”

“Well, he does a lot for the agency, so... maybe in an hour, hour thirty.”

Candace nodded. “I’ll let you talk to him when he calls. And what do you mean, when I’m out shopping?”

“Or stalking Jeremy, or following the latest teenage craze, or whatever it is you do.”

“Are you insinuating that I am a shallow and stereotypical teenage girl?”

Perry deigned not to reply, simply smirking.

“Well, I’m not! I’ve done... non-stereotypy things! Like, like, acting! And sports! And I’ve parallel parked a monster truck in a monster truck rally.”

“My point is we need to arrange something so O.W.C.A. can contact me if you’re out living your life.”

“That’s not likely to happen. I’ll probably be at home most of the time.”

“What?”

“How am I going to have a normal life like  _this?_  I mean, Perry, come on, look at us.”

Perry glanced at a rearview mirror and sighed. “Alright, we’ll need an idea on how to let us look normal for however long it takes Phineas and Ferb to come up with a solution to this.”

“Which should be soon, so there’s no need to worry.”

“I prefer to cover my bases.” The hovercar zipped over the rooftops of downtown Danville. “After all, this didn’t end after a day, so it might not mysteriously fix itself like all the other things the boys have done.”

Candace swallowed. “But it’ll get fixed, right? If Phineas and Ferb can’t do it, something from all the mad science that O.W.C.A. collects has to work. Of course we both know Phineas and Ferb will be able to figure out how to reverse this--”

“There’s no need to panic,” Perry reassured her. “I just don’t want us locked up in your room between missions. That’s why we need a way for us to look like you usually do.”

Candace snorted. “Right, so hide the webbed feet, the beaver tail, the duckbill, and  _the green fur all over my body._  That’ll be a snap!”

“It’s teal.”

“What?”

“My fur is teal.”

“Whatever!” Candace gestured at herself. “My point is that it’s going to be difficult to hide all this!”

“Well, we’re going to have to. We can’t hide from Mom and Dad the whole summer, can we?”

“It’s not going to be the whole summer--”

“It doesn’t matter how long it is,” Perry pointed out. “A month, a week... even a day, Mom’s planning to check in on us when she comes back from the airport.”

Candace groaned. “Oh, yeah, I forgot. Wait, what if she comes home before we get back? What if she’s on the way back right now?! I can’t  _not_ be there, I’ll be busted if I am!”

“See, this? This is the kind of problem I’m trying to avoid.”

“We can’t avoid it, it’s a problem now! Wait a minute--”

Candace reached toward her pocket, only to have her hand jerk back onto the controls. “I told you, not while I’m driving!”

“I need to call Stacy!”

“Let me set down on a roof first!” Perry put the car down atop a midrise building. “Okay, now you can call her.”

“Right.” Candace pulled out her cell phone and tapped a few buttons. “Hey, Stacy? I need you to do me a really weird favor.”

_“How weird?”_

“I need you to go to my house, block my bedroom door with my bed, and pretend to be me but really sick, but less sick then I was this morning.”

_“Oooookay, that is pretty weird. I’m going to have to ask why.”_

Candace sighed. “Phineas and Ferb accidentally fused me with Perry and I can’t let my mom and dad know I have a duckbill and teal fur.”

_“....I’m going to need a picture before I believe that.”  
_

“Ugh, fine!” Candace scowled, snapping a quick image of herself and sending it off. “There.”

_“Wow, you look like an angry duck in a wig.”_

“Really? I hadn’t noticed!”

_“So, what, you’re out shopping for skin-tone hair dye and surgical masks?”_

Candace blinked. “Surgical masks?”

_“They’re all the rage in Japan. I mean, your bill only covers the lower half of your face, right? All you have to do is figure out a reason for you to put them on. Actually, pretending that you’re sick gives you an easy justification to fake minor germophobia once you get ‘better’.”_

"Oh my god, Stacy, thank you! You’re a genius!”

_“Ha, why don’t you call my mom and tell her that?”  
_

“Okay, but seriously: Can you pretend to be sick me for the next three hours?”

_“I’ll get right on it. See you when you get home!”  
_

Candace folded up her phone quickly, putting it in her pocket. “Man, Stacy rules.”

“She’s pretty good,” Perry agreed. “But we have a job to do. No more interruptions, understand?”


End file.
